My last post may have left you thinking that I hate parenting books. Let me assure you that there are some excellent parenting books which apply the Bible’s teaching with care and wisdom.
We need Christians to write parenting books which are truly biblical, for we’re surrounded by popular parenting models based on a secular world view. But even the best parenting book can leave us feeling proudly judgemental or unnecessarily guilt-ridden.
So how should we read parenting books? How can we learn from them without turning their advice into rules and their principles into legalism?
Here are three questions I have learned to ask of the suggestions in parenting books:
- Is this a biblical principle I must follow?
- Is this an application of the Bible which may be wise, but isn’t binding?
- Is this human advice which may or may not be useful?
The first I must prayerfully obey, the second I may choose to practise, and the third is a matter of preference.
And here are three questions I have learned to ask of myself and others: (My sensible husband asks me these whenever I’m overcome by parenting book-induced guilt.)
- Are we teaching our children about God?
- Are we disciplining our children?
- Are we loving our children?
If the answer is ‘yes’, then we are fulfilling God’s basic demands for parents.
Here’s a list of God’s parenting non-negotiables from the Bible:
- Be a faithful Christian (Prov 14:26, 2 Tim 1:5).
- Be faithful to your marriage partner (Mal 2:10-16).
- Teach your children about God’s character and salvation from the Bible (Deut 6:4-9, Ps 78, 2 Tim 1:5, 3:14-5).
- Love your children (Ps 103:13-14, Tit 2:3-4).
- Instruct and train your children in the way of righteousness and wisdom (Prov 1:8-9, 4:10-11, 22:6, Ps 34:11-14, 1 Thess 2:11-12).
- Expect your children to obey you as the authority God has placed over them (1 Tim 3:2-4, 11-12, Deut 5:16, Eph 6:1-4).
- Discipline your children fairly and without harshness (Prov 13:24, 22:15, 29:17, Eph 6:1-4, Col 3:20-21).
- Live godly lives for your children to imitate (Prov 20:7).
- Provide for your children’s physical needs (1 Tim 5:4, 8, Prov 31:10-31).
- Pray for your children (Rom 12:12, Col 4:2, e.g. Eph 3:14-21).
These are huge and solemn responsibilities! But within these boundaries, there is a vast freedom.
There’s a wonderful chapter in Philip Jensen’s By God’s Word (chapter 17) where he talks about time he spent in England staying with faithful Christian families. Some were rigid, others were laid-back; some consistent, others experimental; some formal, others casual. But when he stayed with the same families years later, all the children were happy, well-adjusted individuals and committed Christians.
Parenting practices will differ from family to family, person to person, culture to culture, and time to time. Even within a family, what’s suitable for one parent and one child at one moment may not be suitable for another. One family may read the Bible as a family every day. In another family, adults may read the Bible separately to their children. One family may send children to the local school. Another may home-school. One family may enjoy playing games together after dinner. Another may watch re-runs of Star Trek.
I may think some of these practices are wiser than others. I may see the fruit that some of these practices bear in my own family, and I may recommend them to you. But if the Bible doesn’t make a rule, neither should I.
The secret to producing godly children is not finding the perfect method; we can’t change the attitudes of our children’s hearts through our perfect parenting. God sovereignly changes hearts through his Spirit by his word. Our job is to be faithful; God’s job is to give the growth (1 Cor 3). This knowledge should humble and comfort us, and drive us to our knees.
Let’s not lay burdens on one another—or on ourselves—which are too heavy to bear. And let’s remember when we have failed as parents (which, inevitably, we will, for we are sinful) that there is grace available through the cross, that we can ask our family members for forgiveness, and that even situations marred by sin can be used by God for our good, the good of our children, and his glory.
I am currently reading Shepherding a Child’s Heart on the recommendation of a friend and must say that I am also finding it good.
In times of stress, I find I fall back on the methods my parents used. The methods used by my parents are not ones I would recommend, and not ones you will find in any parenting book. However, they taught us about God, they disciplined us, they loved us. Three of the four of us are Christians.
Much harm can be wrought by trying to emulate what has worked for one family – regardless of whether they claim their parenting method is God’s way or not.
One child may need a smack for discipline, you may find that this only hardens the heart of another. What worked at five may not work at seven, or thirteen. However, within that Biblical framework, there is a lot of freedom.
Thank you Jean.
The list of God’s parenting non-negotiables from the Bible has removed a lot of guilt.
I heartily agree, Liz; and I’m so glad, Lucy! It helps me too.
One idea would be to cut and paste the list, and stick it in the front of the parenting books on your shelf!
Here’s the links for a few good parenting books:
Tedd Tripp, Shepherding a Child’s Heart (Others by the Tripps are Age of Opportunity, on teenagers.)
Kent and Barbara Hughes, Disciplines of a Godly Family – lots of ideas for building a Christian home and family.
Edith Shaeffer What is a Family? – an oldy but a goody.
I don’t agree with everything these books say, and I think the disciplinary methods available to us are broader than the first book may suggest. But these books are helpful and Biblical, an excellent start.
A helpful secular book, by an Australian, is Parenting for Character.
I’m planning to post a more comprehensive list and review of parenting books on in all honesty in a month or so. I’ve got to read some of the books on my list first!
… sorry for the typo …
The list of books by the Tripps should include Instructing a Child’s Heart, on middle childhood.
Thanks Jean – what an encouraging post.
Thanks for this post. I appreciate the thought and time (and years of experience) put into getting it together.
Can I recommend this small but “truly biblical” book called Christian Parents and their Children. It is downloadable for free.
http://www.newcreation.org.au/books/pdf/225_Parents.pdf
Something you mentioned in your post makes great sense to me; when you quoted Philip Jensen. You said that “…years later…” Too often parenting books/guides are written by parents of younger children. Not that they have nothing to say, but wisdom grows with age (and retrospect)
Thank you too for your last paragraph. We all make many mistakes as we raise our families. Without grace, and a true experience of repentance and forgiveness, I’d have been crushed long ago.
It’s interesting to see the “list of non-negotiables” includes principles rather than methods.
Mike
This is really sound and Godly advice. Thank you!
I would add that within the area of freedom we have, we should also ask for and use wisdom (James). That wisdom might even come in as simple a form as some child behaviour tip or the latest medical research on breastfeeding or ages and stages in child development.
I feel that there are many areas where ‘humans’ have alot to offer and that we shouldn’t neglect ‘worldly’ expertise. Nor should we take it all on board indiscriminately.
If we need brain surgery we go to a specialist be they Christian or not. Likewise, if we want to know about child nutrition, how breastfeeding works, cognitive development and a whole host of other areas, there is alot to be learned from the experts in those fields.
Sometimes I feel that Christian parenting writers try to remake the wheel, tarnishing anything from the ‘world’ as not worthy of consideration.
Cathy
Yes, Mike, you’re right, they’re all principles: which is very significant. I can’t think of any parenting “methods” rather than “principles” mandated by the Bible, unless you take the “rod” in Proverbs as meaning that smacking is the main God-appointed method of discipline, as many do. I respect their opinion on this, but I think that the mention of the “rod” in Proverbs, while it makes it hard to make out a case against all forms of physical discipline, can include a wide range of methods of discipline. There will be times, situations and issues which will make physical discipline inappropriate, and when other forms of discipline will be preferable. As always, I think this is a matter of applying the Biblical principle – to discipline your child fairly and in love – with wisdom in your own situation.
Cathy, hi! I agree that there is wisdom to be gained from secular parenting books, especially on practical issues like breast feeding, and even on different options for discipline.
Do Christian books re-invent the wheel? I’m sure some do, making some of them less helpful than their secular counterparts, since they can add a whole weight of guilt that you’re not doing things in the “Christian” way if you don’t follow their advice, or they can label good practical advice as “Christian” as if this makes it somehow biblical. This is particularly true with practical issues like settling your baby, where they best books I’ve read on the subject are definitely not Christian!
But I don’t think going to a secular parenting expert is quite like going to a brain surgeon. There’s a lot more secular philosophy involved in parenting advice than in surgery. Which means we need to be very cautious
(as you allow) when reading secular parenting books (and the Christian parenting books influenced by them). We need to be aware of the hidden assumptions about God, people and the world.
It’s often hard to separate parenting advice from the secular philosophies underlying it, especially when it comes to issues like discipline, psychological development, and even cognitive development. For example, the self-esteem movement which dominated child-rearing theories for many years, can cause children to believe that they are the center of the universe. If we accept this kind of advice just because it’s from an “expert”, we can undermine the Bible’s teaching about God, sin and grace.
And there will be some things only Christian teaching on parenting can do. For example, no secular book can provide a Biblical foundation for the parent-child relationship (e.g. that God has made us the authority over our children); give advice on teaching children about God and the Bible; or place parenting in the context of God’s grace.
Jean, I’ve enjoyed reading your posts and the comments of others. I have a few more titles to suggest for your review list of parenting books on your blog – they have a great deal of godly wisdom to share and avoid the “method” approach.
The first is by Susan Yates, “And Then I Had Kids: Encouragement for Mothers of Young Children”. The second is by Susan and her husband John Yates, “Character Matters!” and the third is by Susan, John and their grown-up children, “Building a Home Full of Grace”.
Susan is a writer and speaker, well-known in the US. She wrote the first book as a mother who once had five children under eight. Her honesty is disarming and refreshing, and her faith in God’s purposes is encouraging for women in an exhausting stage of life.
John Yates has been senior pastor at The Falls Church, Falls Church Virginia for many years. His is one of the evangelical Episcopalian churches which has severed ties with the national Episcopal Church because the national church “no longer believes the historic, orthodox Christian faith common to all believers”. (http://www.washingtonpost.com article 8/1/07 “Why We Left the Episcopal Church”
The Yates’ books follow their own journey as the parents of their five children, all of whom have followed their own paths as young Christian adults. (Another book, “And Then I Had Teenagers” is also helpful, but has less universal application as it deals particularly with the American college system.)
These books do not preach, however a living faith in God through Jesus and the centrality of the Bible for life, are consistent themes. They emphasize principles, give useful ideas and recognise the imperfect (but redeemed) reality of Christian family life – all interspersed with relevant anecdotes which make you laugh, smile and cry.
Jean, it would be interesting to know how you think “Character Matters!” compares with the secular Australian book you recommend.