“Who am I? … I don’t know. I guess I have a lot of things to ponder.”
-Derek Zoolander, speaking to his reflection in a puddle, in Zoolander.
In an interesting twist on the Narcissus fable, the really ridiculously good-looking Zoolander neatly sums up one of the main pressures of the adolescent years: the search for identity. Teenagers have a lot of things to ponder!
In the early years of life, parents play a huge role in defining the identity of their children. I see it in my own kids; despite a few interesting debates with my daughter about whether it’s appropriate to wear a summer dress in winter, we decide what she wears. We decide what our children eat, what they watch on television, the music they listen to, the pre-school they attend, and even the friends they associate with. We are church-goers, therefore they are church-goers. The fact that my daughter loves anything to do with ballet and the colour pink has more to do with my wife’s preferences than Abby ‘just being a girl’.
As young children grow towards adolescence, they start to explore their identity outside the sphere of their parents’ influence. Going to high school means that, all of a sudden, a teenager is confronted by a myriad of different subcultures, all inviting them to try out these varied identities: Beliebers, hipsters, skaters, lads, and so on. The teenage years are often absorbed in experimenting with these different identities in an attempt to discover the one they can ‘find themselves’ in. Have you ever wondered why teenagers in your youth group post so many pictures of their different poses on Facebook?
Many of the big questions teenagers are looking to answer as they try on these different identities are related to acceptance: “Who loves me? Who will accept me? Will I still fit in if I start wearing cardigans and floppy beanies?” Or even, “If I choose to stand out, will people notice me?”
One of the key things that we can do in our churches, whether we’re formally involved in ministry to young people or not, is to do our bit in ensuring that our churches act like communities where subcultural differences and outward appearances don’t equate to dividing walls. We want to show young people that Jesus has offered us a new identity in him, that in Christ they are a new creation. It doesn’t matter whether young people are listening to Justin Bieber, or carving up the hills on their longboards, or taking vintage-looking photographs with their Nikons, or obsessing over the size of their biceps—they need to know that they can find acceptance and forgiveness in Jesus and the community of his followers. Churches and youth ministries should not be offering simply another subculture, instead aiming to create a counter-culture where outward appearance is not the basis of inclusion or exclusion. This is a reflection of the love and forgiveness that Jesus has offered us, demonstrated at the cross.
Young people have a lot to ponder. As adult Christians, our task is to help them ponder the love and forgiveness that Jesus offers, so that they might find their identity in him. The most effective way we can do that is to demonstrate Jesus’ love for them ourselves. And although teenagers can be really awkward to talk to (just remember—they’re not as experienced at small talk as you are!), short, encouraging conversations can go a long way in showing them that they are loved and accepted.
In the church I attended as a teenager, there was a bloke called Bob. I didn’t know Bob very well—he was one of the ‘oldies’, and I was 16. I had long hair that I never washed. I played my guitar too loud. Bob preferred to sit with the other people his age and eat curried egg sandwiches. In fact, Bob and I had only one thing in common: we went to the same church.
But, without fail, every Sunday morning Bob would greet me with a big smile, and a “Hello, Matt!”. Sometimes, Bob would even sit next to me, lean over and ask, “How are you going, Matt?” If I’d played my loud guitar that morning at church, Bob would wander over as I was packing up and say, “Thanks for playing this morning, Matt.”
Our conversations were brief but for me they were so helpful. I loved my church because I knew my church accepted me, unwashed hair and all. My love for God grew. And because my love for God and his people was growing, I wanted to grow in my faith, and I wanted to serve.
You don’t have to be a ‘youth minister’ to serve young people. You don’t even have to know what a hipster is. Even just learning their names, ignoring the differences, and saying hello makes a huge difference to a young person as they navigate their way through the awkward teenage years.
