The naked truth about porn

Pornography is an extremely important and complex issue, but it isn’t easy to talk about, even though it’s now a part of mainstream culture. In this insightful article, James Warren opens up the topic and asks “What is porn?”, “Why is it a problem?” and “What can we do about it?”

I grew up in the 80s. I remember the first time I looked up ‘boob’ in my Pocket Oxford Dictionary. I remember seeing the odd porn magazine at rowing camps. And I remember watching top-secret videos at a mate’s house. I was utterly intrigued and hungry for more, but the volume of material was frustratingly low. In hindsight, I am thankful that I did not grow up with the internet; I have no idea where I would be now if I had. Or rather, I know all too well where I might have ended up, and I’m thankful I’m not there. I feel the pull of porn every day, and I know I am not alone.

Ubiquitous

Porn is everywhere. From our constant diet of soft porn in advertising and PG movies¹ to the exploding world of cyberspace, we are experiencing a whole new sexual revolution. According to Don Carson, “More money is spent each year on porn in the USA than on alcohol, cigarettes and illicit drugs combined”.² Porn is a big part of mainstream popular culture;³ it has even trickled down to tween fashion.

Of course, porn is not a new problem. But it is a rapidly growing problem that is infecting a younger and broader audience. My primary school-age sons regularly come home with stories of ‘accidental’ discoveries in their computer lab where the filters do not work and their friends are too computer-savvy.⁴ Now we are seeing a generation that has grown up with the internet with its triple A rating—Available, Affordable, Anonymous—creating a near perfect tool for porn, allowing us to explore our sexuality without limits. As a result, porn is the internet sweetheart, accounting for a huge portion of online traffic. Porn is everywhere with very little to slow it (or us) down.

However, despite its prevalence, sustained conversation about porn is still rare. I once tried chatting to a soccer dad about his kid’s iPod internet access, and was told, “Too much is made of porn; it’s not really a problem”. A mum said to me recently, “People worry way too much about porn. Once you’ve seen one naked body, you’ve seen them all.” Talking about porn is considered either too threatening, too confusing or too unimportant.

Indefinable?

But what exactly is porn? One of the frustrating things surrounding public discussions is that there is no agreed definition. In fact, if anything, there is an ideological outcry against any attempts to define it. Classifications of porn roam from ‘art’ to ‘evil’, with anti-censorship voices yelling the loudest. Just last year, the Australian government’s proposed internet censorship law (which particularly focused on blocking material involving underage children) was defeated. Most people agree that some boundaries are needed—especially where the more vulnerable are concerned—however there is no agreement over what constitutes porn, what is right and wrong, and who has the right to decide. Discussions get stuck in differing views of values, God, freedom, family, education, the public and the private domain, censorship, and personal sexual desires.

But as Christians, we can evaluate porn because we know God’s worldview concerning sexuality and its purpose. We know God created us with powerful sexual desires, but we also know that the unique context for sexual expression is lifelong heterosexual marriage. This allows us to both define and understand porn. Every word could be debated, but to put it simply, porn is explicit material designed to promote sexual desire outside God’s design.⁵ Porn is a half-truth: it takes something very good (our sexuality), but redefines the parameters (i.e. it promises fulfillment outside marriage). That is why porn is bittersweet: it seems attractive, but it ends up destructive.

Sweet

It is very easy to get caught up in porn because it feels sweet to have our sexual arousal satisfied in orgasm (thus many porn users engage in masturbation). Porn taps into both our God-given desire to connect deeply with others and our current culture’s insatiable appetite for experience—especially if that experience is intense, quick and easy. Restraint and restriction are not characteristics of our society; therefore indulgence and excess spill over into our sexuality.

However, far from being coy, the Bible has lots to say about sex. Sex is meant to be wonderful. Sex is designed to bind two people together deeply—to express and explore what it means to become “one flesh… naked and… not ashamed” (Gen 2:24-25). God made us sexual beings. Our youthful hormones scream out for a context in which to explore, and our older hormones still drive us together, even when our bodies are past their prime.

But if God created us sexual beings, why does he restrict sex to marriage? Firstly, God’s restriction is for our good. God is relational and loving. He wants people to bond together correctly because the bond sex creates is profound (1 Cor 6:15-16). In creating sex, God wanted a context in which people can love and be loved—in which intimacy can develop and vulnerabilities can be exposed safely, and from which kids can grow. Lifelong commitment is the basis of fulfilling sex, and fulfilling sex involves the incredible intimacy that a life of sexual faithfulness brings. This is why it’s worth getting it right, investing in it and protecting it.

Secondly, our sexuality is powerfully exclusive. We know from Genesis 2:18 that “It is not good that the man should be alone” and that sexual union consummates a lifelong one-flesh relationship. This is celebrated unashamedly in Song of Solomon, where love is described as being as “strong as death” (Song 8:6). Given its strength and exclusivity, God warns us not to awaken sexual desire until the appropriate time (Song 2:7, 3:5, 8:4).

Bitter

But of course, our society doesn’t see sex used in light of God’s design as sweet, but rather it’s about sex anytime, anywhere. And while people may acknowledge some downsides to porn, they give many reasons to excuse porn’s bitterness: “God made us sexual beings and gave us sex drives. He gave us porn”, “It’s only images”, “Everyone does it”, “It’s a physical thing”, “It’s educational; it helps me be a better lover”, “It’s brought sex back into our marriage”, “If we suppress our sexuality, we deny who we are, and we will end up with a sexually frustrated society”. But in all the excuses, there is an under­lying bitter taste because porn reinforces three distortions of the life God wants for us.

1. Distorted sex

Good sex involves physical intimacy specifically in order to deepen relational intimacy. The physical experience is not an end in itself, but part of intimately knowing and entrusting yourself to the other. A healthy sexual relationship involves committing yourself to love another person through selfless service. It involves controlling your own sexual desires and finding out what pleases the other. It involves treasuring the body of the wife or husband of your youth, even as your bodies age (Prov 5:15-23).

However, we live in a society that separates physical intimacy from relational intimacy. Sex is about an individual’s own physical hit, and since porn can conveniently provide such physical gratification, it becomes very useful. You control the pace, types, variety, scenarios and volume of images according to your own preferences. There is no need to deal with a real person who would only get in the way. Porn reinforces easy, unrealistic, impersonal, self-oriented, commodified sex, and often involves demeaning sexual scenarios.

So the more conditioned you are to porn, the harder it is to enjoy real sexual arousal with a real person, the more likely you are to develop “unrealistic expectations of women’s appearance and behavior”, the more trouble you will have “forming and sustaining relationships and feeling sexually satisfied”.⁶ Far from being educational and leading to better sex, porn reinforces the separation of physical gratification from relational gratification (which is far more complex, but which is uniquely satisfying).

2. Distorted relationships

As porn provides quick and easy sexual hits (i.e. ‘lazy sex’), dealing with a real sexual relationship is quickly left for dead—especially given that this person has their own sexual preferences. Marriages soon become starved of attention, affection and romantic energy as countless porn images increasingly take over the thought life and time of the user. One cannot possibly compare to the variety of airbrushed porn stars, despite attempts to keep up through the rapidly growing hair removal industry. Consequently, increasing numbers of couples cite pornography as the prime factor for divorce.⁷

Long-term, not only does pornography deaden attraction for one’s partner, it deadens the ability to have healthy relationships in general. All people are increasingly objectified for what they can do sexually for the voyeur. Porn distorts all relationships, and prevents the growth of loving other-person-centered relationships.

3. Distorted self

However, with all this relational fallout, the most damaging effect is on one’s self. The slippery slope into porn addiction can start innocently enough—even accidentally. But curiosity, under the guise of ‘safe dabbling’, can quickly move from titillation to preoccupation to obsession and even habitual enslavement. Initial images and themes soon lose their excitement, so in order to maintain the fix, conventional scenarios give way to more deviant, degrading and harder-core fetishes. People end up spiralling into places they would not have believed they could go, and along with their horror and self-disgust comes regret, guilt, lack of self-control, disappointment, remorse, self-loathing, despair, worthlessness, desensitization to what is normal, and depression.

To cope with it all, the user feels a greater need to self-medicate by looking at more porn, thus completing the cycle. Porn marketers understand this full well, and are very happy to give out free porn because they know that this will quickly become unsatisfying, and then the user will spend money to keep feeding the addiction.

But as dehumanizing as all this is, there is another layer: fear. The user becomes increasingly paranoid of being exposed. Exposure would reveal more of themselves than they would wish; it would cause them to feel shame and, to boot, they would lose the very thing they rely on to medicate the fear—porn. Here is the dilemma for porn users: even though they long for deeper intimacy, they increasingly block anyone from ever knowing them. Obsessive vigilance and their secret life soon displaces real relationships.

Conversation topic

Porn is terribly bittersweet. It is a half-truth. It provides some relief for a brief moment, but at the cost of a person’s time, money, sexual satisfaction and relational energy. Porn leaves its suitors isolated, disengaged, conflicted and lonely. It distorts our view of sex, relationships and ourselves. It is a far cry from what God wants for us. This is why we need to talk about porn, even though it is hard. But how can we improve our conversation about porn?

1. Be mindful of diversity

Firstly, we need to be aware of the diversity of people’s exposure to and reactions to porn. Some people are never interested in it; some can dabble, but then leave it behind; others can become chronically addicted and relationally dysfunctional. Given these extremes, on the one hand, we must not assume it’s everyone’s problem, but on the other hand, we must never dismiss it lightly.

In general, men are more susceptible to porn than women. This is because men are aroused more quickly by the visual (with some even feeling constantly guilty for thinking sexually). In general, women are aroused more slowly through relational things. However, many women are now affected by porn either through their own addiction (by the way sex is portrayed in our culture) or through pressure from a partner influenced by porn.

2. Be honest

Secondly, if we are porn users, we need to be brutally honest. We must take a frank look at ourselves and where we stand with porn. We mustn’t justify ourselves, excuse ourselves or downplay porn’s bitterness. We need to resolve firmly within ourselves that porn is opposed to God’s design. Absolutely no porn is our goal; we need to come into the light and expose what has been hidden (Eph 5:7-14). Cold turkey is the quickest way to break the cycles, starving our eyes and mind, but it is not easy. Recovery is often a long, hard journey of trying to rejoin our sexuality with relational intimacy. We’re to count the victories, not the failures. This is why it’s important to recognize the places and times of greatest temptation (e.g. stress at work or exam times), and to establish concrete and serious plans to prevent us from slipping into old ways when we feel vulnerable, and to help us bring God’s desires back into our decision-making.

We need to be completely honest with God. God promises to draw closer to us as we draw closer to him (Jas 4:8). As we confess our sins to God, we find him to be the source of healing and hope—new every morning (Lam 3:21-23). God loves us and forgives us in Christ. This is not an excuse to keep on sinning, but it helps to lift our guilt. We will never rid ourselves of our sinful natures until we are raised anew in heaven, but via his Spirit, God’s resurrection power is at work in us, enabling us to conform our sinful nature to Christlikeness (Eph 1:15-23).

We need to be completely honest with a few trusted friends. This is crucial for detecting any self-justification or weaknesses, and it enables them to encourage us in our fight. Internet filters (for example, www.covenanteyes.com) are a huge step forward in automating accountability.⁸ More generally, keep investing in real relationships rather than in images and physical hits.

In all this, we’re not to lose hope in God’s power to transform our situation. As a Christian, God’s Spirit is in you. Decide to cut porn out right now, seek God shamelessly and do anything you can to free yourself from addiction. Every day, the pull of porn will grow dimmer. Every year, I see guys making great progress. It’s a fantastic testimony to both God and them.

3. Be supportive

Thirdly, we need to support those who are struggling. Those who attempt to break their porn habits face a long, hard and lonely path with little support.⁹ The discipline required is immense, and the process is humiliating. Short-term pornographic self-medication beckons continually because avoiding porn in our culture is virtually impossible. But as fellow followers of Christ, we need to encourage and help our weaker brothers and sisters in non-judgemental ways—for example, by continuing to ask how we can help. God knows that we are weak, and this alone should motivate us to be super supportive, and to imitate his incredible generosity and love. I am very grateful for the many guys who have shared their lives with me. It’s been hugely encouraging to me and, I hope, a help both to them and others because of what I’ve learned.

4. Speak up publicly

Fourthly, we need to speak up more publicly. Our sexuality is private and exclusive (and rightly so), and hence it is inappropriate to speak publicly about the specifics of our sexuality. Nonetheless, Christians need to recognize that God has given us much to say about sex and its purpose. In our current climate, we are in far greater danger of saying too little than too much, and yet we have immensely valuable things to say about sex to our society. By not speaking up, we end up capitulating to and condoning the world’s agenda.

Of course, speaking up publicly will lead some to ridicule our stance as old-fashioned and prudish. But the greater damage will be done if we don’t speak. We need to find thoughtful and robust ways to speak openly and often about our views and concerns. As the volume of internet porn, addiction rates and bizarre sexual permutations skyrockets and the age of exposure plummets, there is little to check this freight train. Although many have made naive and judgemental comments in Christ’s name, while others have found themselves gagged, we need to keep speaking about the long-term harm that porn brings. But in the same sound bite, we need to make a point of speaking up about the positives of sex.

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Porn is an immensely important and complex issue. God has a far better design for rich relationships, but it is a design our world is currently running from. Whether or not we struggle with porn, and whether or not we find it awkward to talk about it, we all need to develop our own ways of speaking up and helping others. This article has made a start; now over to you.

Discussion questions

1. Think back over the last week. What images/ideas on television, on billboards and/or in things you have read portray an unhelpful view of sexuality?
2. How does understanding Jesus’ death and resurrection on our behalf help us to deal with sexual temptation?
3. What things could your friends/group/church do to encourage those who struggle with pornography to speak out and find help?
4. Think for a moment about yourself. Do you need to talk to someone about these issues? Make a decision to do it, no matter how uncomfortable it might be.

Pray

• Stop and pray for those in your church who struggle with pornography and other sexual temptations. Ask God to help them to understand the love and forgiveness of Christ. Ask him to strengthen them by his Spirit to live godly lives in the face of temptation.
• Pray for God’s church around the world: ask God to enable us to listen to his word and adopt his attitude towards sex instead of the attitude of the world around us.