Wreck-conciliation or reconciliation?

Reconciliation is a hot topic. It always has been and it always will be. In the first century AD, Paul wrote about reconciling Jews and Gentiles (Eph 2:11-22). In the 20th-century, the nation of South Africa created the ‘Truth and Reconciliation Commission’ to deal with the atrocities of apartheid. The Australian Government is only now ‘reconciling’ with the indigenous population.

Reconciliation has been and always will be a burning issue so long as someone (or some people) sins against another (or others). Whenever there is a sin, a sinner and a slighted one (i.e. the one who is sinned against), reconciliation will be necessary.

But what I find very interesting is that people are often better at commentating reconciliation than they are at doing it. It’s a bit like sport: Barry sits at home on the couch, shaking his head at Grant Hackett’s ‘lacklustre performance’ in the 1500m freestyle, blissfully unaware of the fact that he himself couldn’t swim 50 metres if his life depended on it.

Human beings talk ad nauseum about reconciliation, but do we actually do it? What happens in people’s homes? Do we work hard at repairing relationships when we damage them? Do people reconcile well in the workplace?

Do we practice wreck-conciliation or reconciliation?

Australian wreck-conciliation

Sadly, Australians practise wreck-conciliation. Why do I say that? Well, firstly, we find it hard to admit sin sincerely, let alone articulate an apology. We’re experts in ‘hollow sorrow’. Tell me if some of these statements sound familiar: “I’m sorry that you feel upset by what I said John; I didn’t mean to belittle you”; “I’m sorry Jenny if I’ve caused offense”. Our apologies are lame. We don’t take responsibility for our actions. If you examine the two apologies above, you’ll realize that they’re not apologies, they’re veiled accusations. The apologists are implying that John and Jenny are petty to have even felt slighted. My wife Emma and I have a little joke in our marriage to add humour into our apologies. I sometimes say, “Emma I was rrrrrrr … I was rrrrrrr … I was wwrrrrrrrong!”

The second contributing factor to Aussie wreck-conciliation is the failure to ask for forgiveness. Even if we are having a bumper day of humility and we say, “Bill, I’m sorry we didn’t pay your invoice on time”, we haven’t reconciled. All we have done is communicated our sin. We’ve told the ‘slighted’ person that we feel sorry about the transgression. It is an emotional declaration but it isn’t necessarily repentance. Godly sorrow requires repentance (2 Cor 7:10).

The third contributor to wreck-conciliation in Australian relationships is the failure to forgive. Imagine a person—say, a child—who actually does take responsibility for their sin and approaches their Dad to apologize. What common response do they get? “Son, don’t say sorry. Don’t do it again.” They walk away without forgiveness, but worse than that, they are unreconciled and burdened. Now they’ve got to be perfect to get Dad’s acceptance.

Christian reconciliation

So what’s the way forward? How do we practise garden-variety reconciliation? Reconciliation requires three As:

• The transgressor must make an admission of sin—out loud, with words, to the person who’s been slighted.
• The transgressor then needs to ask for forgiveness (from God as well: 2 Sam 12:13).
• The one slighted then needs to offer absolution: they need to forgive the transgressor.

Let me give you an example. I was at a barbecue the other day, talking to one of my friends. My 4-year-old son Edmund came up to ask me a question. He said, “Excuse me, Daddy”, and I failed to respond. He said it a second time, a third time and then finally started crying in exasperation. I looked down because the noise was unavoidable, and asked with a frustrated voice, “What’s wrong, Edmund?”—words to which he cried even louder. Emma then said, “Ben, he’s been trying to get your attention for quite a while”. I realized my sin and my need to reconcile with Edmund. I then got down on my haunches and said, “Edmund, were you trying to get Daddy’s attention?” He nodded through the tears. I then said to him, “Edmund, I am sorry that I did not listen to you when you were speaking to me. I was selfish. I’m sorry I did that. Will you please forgive me?” Edmund replied, “Yes, Daddy”.

Reconciliation needs the three As. This is the way the gospel works out in relationship. We need to admit our sin before God the Father (Rom 3:10-12), we need to ask him to forgive us through the blood of Jesus Christ (1 Pet 3:18), and words of assurance like John 3:36 tell us that we’re forgiven, absolved by God and reconciled to him.