Douglas and Nancy Wilson have written a challenging, humorous and vigorous defence of the covenantal approach to Christian family life. And, as Alan discovered, they are willing to be controversial.
It wasn’t long after my first sons were born (as twins) that I realised how little I’d really thought about fatherhood. Slowly it dawned on me that in the Bible fatherhood is inextricably connected with husbandry. God seeks godly children as the fruit of faithful husbanding. I’ve had lots of questions—How does headship work out in practice? How do I present my wife without spot or wrinkle? What status do my children have before God? Is the way my sons turn out simply a matter of luck/sovereignty? What does godly parenting look like?
Douglas Wilson has written several books on marriage and parenting that have helped me greatly in thinking through these issues (and other important ones I hadn’t thought of). While women will benefit, they are particularly for men. Not only husbands and fathers, but also those who need to prepare for the day when they may be.
Wilson’s foundational book on marriage is Reforming Marriage (followed by Federal Husband and Fidelity). The parenting series begins with Standing on the Promises (subtitled A Handbook on Biblical Childrearing) and continues with Her Hand in Marriage and Future Men. Mrs Wilson (Nancy) has written Praise Her in the Gates and The Fruit of Her Hands. If Douglas Wilson’s books are mainly for men, Nancy’s are mainly to teach women (along the lines of Titus 2:3-5).
Wilson acknowledges that Reforming Marriage isn’t for everyone. Those who want a “paint-by-numbers approach to marriage enhancement” will be frustrated (p. 11). Instead, he approaches the topic by thinking first about Christ and his church: “… a husband who loves his wife is not a pioneer. It has all been done before. Christ has loved the Church in the same way He wants men to love their wives” (p.11).
This leads to an excellent treatment of headship and Christ-like love. He points out that whether a man (or woman) likes it or not, he is the head of his wife:
… nowhere is the husband commanded to be a head to his wife. This is because he already is the head of his wife, by the very nature of marriage. If he does not love her, he is a poor head, but a head nonetheless … If he attempts to abdicate in some way, he may, through his rebellion, lead poorly. But no matter what he does, or where he goes, he does so as the head of his wife. This is how God designed marriage. (p.23-24)
He explains how, imitating Christ, a man is to love his wife in such a way as to make her lovely:
As a man seeks to imitate the Lord in his duties, he must be a husbandman to his wife. This means he must nourish and cherish her in the same way that he cares for his own body (Eph. 5:29). The word ‘nourish’ is ektrepho, which means ‘to feed, bring up to maturity’. The word ‘cherish’ is thalpo, and means ‘to keep warm, to cherish with tender love’. A man who does not take particular and tender care of his wife, and then expects her to be fruitful and lovely, is not being a true husband at all; he is a dolt—the Greek word for this is probably meathead. (p.44)
As well as going on to discuss the created roles of men and women from passages like Genesis 1-3 and 1 Cor 11 (which is done very well), Wilson also cautions men against abusing these truths. He points out that the submission of a wife is to be to her own husband, not to men in general, and that she is thereby protected from men in general (p.37). And he is wise in saying,
… nothing is more offensive than hearing ignorant men trifle with these truths—making jokes about submission and so forth … When a man realises that he has been created for and called to a particular task, that can be overwhelming in itself (Eph 2:10). But if he then realizes that he needs help in performing that task, and he is not consequently moved with holy terror, then he is a complete blockhead. (p.32)
Having laid the foundation of what marriage is, Wilson shows the implications for a whole variety of marriage related issues.
Men are spurred to take seriously their role as household teachers, and to equip themselves for that task:
A man may not be a vocational theologian, but in his home he must be the resident theologian … The tragedy is that many modern women have to wonder why the Bible says they should ask their husbands. “He doesn’t know.” (p.41)
There are chapters on ‘keeping short accounts’, sex (honourable and dishonourable), children (with a stimulating Protestant discussion on birth control), and divorce and remarriage. All are short, but punchy and full of challenging wisdom. For example, on sex:
We must not seek to be “liberated” by the world and its lust, and we must not seek to be “disciplined” by vestigial Victorian prudishness in the church. Both are anti-scriptural … The rejection of the frenzied pagan rush after the constant sexual high does not exclude a disciplined Christian cultivation of sexual enjoyment’. (p.104)
And on having children:
Large families can be a great blessing. So as the Bible makes clear, when we hear about a family with seven children, we have no grounds for rolling our eyes heavenward and making snide comments. “Don’t they know what causes this?” Tragically, such comments are frequently heard, even at church, and from Christians who have been thoroughly compromised by the world’s attitude towards children. They are going to have their allotted 1.7 children, pop the kids into day care six weeks after birth, and pursue their dual careers. But the Scripture presents a view of children which is entirely antithetical to this … (Ps. 127:3-5).
And yet, the blessing referred to in that Psalm “is the blessing of grown sons, well brought up, and prepared for battle. This is the result of a man spending himself for several decades on his children. If a man has a large number of sons, and he has not reared them properly, he has a quiver full all right, but a quiver full of grief—crooked and broken arrows” (p.119-120).
This brings me to parenting.
I’m sure that just as husbands and wives must first understand what marriage is, parents must first understand the big-picture of what parenting is. We need the big picture of where our parenting is trying to take our children before we look at the specifics. To use the imagery from Psalm 127, the goal of parenting is sharp, well-made arrows that will fly straight when the time finally comes to fire them. My task is to make honed arrows out of the rough sticks God has given me.
In Standing on the Promises, Wilson argues that the God-given task of parents (and the particular responsibility of Dad) is to make sure their children are shaped in a godly way. If parents fail to do this, the children will still be shaped, but by someone else.
They will wither be shaped lawfully, by those commanded by God to perform the task, or they will be shaped unlawfully, by outsiders. But as children, they will be shaped. (p.10)
When parents begin to assume full responsibility for the shaping influences on their children, the whole task of parenting is seen differently. “Watching children grow to maturity is not a spectator sport” (p.17).
This can sound like a simplistic ‘behaviourist’ view of parenting—‘I do this, and my kids will be that’. But this is far from Wilson’s view. The things Christian parents do, must be seen in the light of God’s promises regarding their children (hence the title). The children of believers are not ‘little more than short heathens’ (p.69). They are covenant members, along with their parents. Wilson argues that Christian parents who are faithful in their task should expect their children to follow them in faithfulness (p.19).
Christian parents should anticipate seeing their children grow up knowing the Lord. This should not be seen as an oddity—the oddity should be children who fall away. And of course the conversion experiences of crack addicts who previously rode with the Hell’s Angels should not be used as the conversion paradigm for children who have grown up in godly, nurturing homes. (p.20)
The reason for this anticipation is God’s promise to his people that he will use their godly parenting to preserve their children:
The sovereign God uses means to accomplish His purposes in election, and His appointed and revealed means for the conversion of covenant children is obedient parents—not elect parents who are disobedient in how they bring up their children. (p.85)
Whether or not the children of Christians “turn out” is not the result of some archangel spinning a cosmic roulette wheel. How our children do in life is the result of how we taught and disciplined them in our homes … (Pro. 19:18). (p.41)
Even if (after a reading Wilson’s case) we hesitate to agree that this is always true, we must acknowledge that it is usually true. Otherwise Proverbs 22:6 is meaningless: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it”. Parents can be party to their child’s destruction, or the means of rescuing them from it (Prov 19:18; 23:13,14). This may seem overwhelming. But when godly parenting is seen as a means of God’s grace, the result is hope for our children.
The rest of Standing on the Promises outlines the shape of godly parenting.
The chapters on parental authority and discipline are especially helpful—the best I’ve read to date. A key principle discussed is that discipline must be for the child’s sake, not for the parent’s. I’m ashamed of how many times I’ve ‘disciplined’ my sons because I was irritated, not because I was concerned for their growth in godliness. The fact that not all children are the same, various methods of discipline, and the age of the children are all topics discussed thoughtfully. The importance of dealing with ‘small sins’ before they grow is treated well (p.136).
There is plenty in this book to make parents think. And (characteristically of Wilson) there are things that will unsettle. My guess is that the chapter on education and schooling will do that. Wilson’s case against Christian children attending government schools is strong. He provides several reasons for the general ‘gut feeling’ that many Christian parents I know already have. His main argument is that no education is religiously neutral. Personally, I feel the force of the argument: if I would never allow my sons to be educated in a Mormon or Muslim worldview for 30 hours a week, why do I think an Atheistic or Agnostic one is acceptable? The common ‘evangelistic motive’ for allowing relativists to shape Christian kids is also discussed:
We send our kids off to be warriors, instead of training them to be warriors. The point is not to keep children from encounters with those who hate God; rather it is to train and prepare them for it … What makes us think that sending unequipped seven-year-olds off to be ‘salt and light’ in an officially agnostic institution, without training and preparation, is consistent with charity? (p.97)
I’m sure there will be strong reactions to what Wilson says about schooling. However, in my view, serious thought on this issue is long overdue in many Christian circles.
One of Wilson’s other books does deserve a special mention—Future Men. As a father of four young sons, I’ve found it enormously valuable. The insight that our sons are men in the making (future men) and that we are responsible for their growth in that direction is simple and yet extremely powerful. The book starts by showing what biblical masculinity looks like—we have to know what we’re aiming at. Then follow chapters on everything from laziness and sexual morality, to sport and reading about dragons. The challenge of raising sons is to direct and channel the testosterone, not to quash it. Lots of wisdom here.
Douglas Wilson is worth listening to on these subjects. He’s been married for over 25 years and has three grown children. He has wisdom and intelligence—but with godliness and a serious humility before Scripture. His writings are easy to read, yet with a theological and not merely pragmatic approach. One warning—he ‘talks straight’ and has a sharp wit. I enjoy that aspect (and I think it makes him a good teacher of men), but some may wince a little.
Needless to say, I don’t agree with everything Wilson says and on some issues the jury is still deliberating. But worth a read? Definitely. These are books that will help men stand up straight and joyfully learn to shoulder their duty.
